precious moments, precious thoughts

I walk along the barely tarred road beside noisy cars. But then i hardly hear anything because it was still but sleepwalk after hardly 4 hours of sleep yesterday. After having lots of information transfused into my swollen brain from a personal lecture by this man named Harrison and a crazy hyper-profound oncologic emergencies tutorial and only half my lunch downed, i sat down for the first time in my life to do research - solely data collection from very messy patients' files, for 3 hours. I got up to leave but it was raining. Mum calls and says the wipers to her car are in bad condition so its best i avoid the rain. I sit down again. Got restless so i got up. Went towards the rooms and bump into my medical team walking out of a dear patient's room. He had just bit two doctors' fingers as they were trying to mobilize him. This was the guy everyone cried with when he cried. But life does seem too bleak from his point of view. What do we do.. everyone looks pale. I feel my heart shrink at the unsaid anger in his eyes. I managed to scuttle to my car under the drizzle. That was at 6pm. At 6.40pm, on Jln Gasing, right at that spot, a lorry hit the angle of my car. I honked to warn him against further damage, but the next thing i know came as quite a shock; the driver stuck half his torso out the window at a 180degrees turn to face me, and stared for 5 seconds, at me. He was very tanned, fleshy and wearing sunglasses. He actually reminded me of Afdlin Shauki, only funny is definitely not his fort.All i can mouth what "What....on..?" Anyway, i finally reached home an hour and a half after the start of my journey.. and found a surprise! It was gold and precious, i had recognized the handwriting. It was him. Barely had i opened it tears had rolled down each sentence.. and they were happy ones. My day takes a complete turn. Did happy tears even exist, wasn't this world supposed to be callous? But perhaps i wasn't walking on solid ground, maybe this is the hue of heaven on earth. The thing with romance is it captures from a different dimension; it tugs at this place inside you never knew existed.. and then you expand and thin the margins, and marvel at... pure grace.

my heart races
ahead gets blur
one step back
is all i'm after
think till i'm tired
sad till i'm scared
a bit too much
was i dared
slowly it peels
only to reveal
only to deport
to past rules
i can't reach
too far away
do i want to
maybe give way
but duty calls
to stay the course
must rub the raw
turn the lights off

i feel the wind beneath my feet.
i feel my wings spread unprompted.
i feel a rush of freedom.
the sound of passion.
so this is how courage tastes.

like open seas is the future.
with endless victories come the battles.
bring the waves, bring it on.
i've got home, i'm larger than ever.

Today i woke up to a glimpse of a reflection, of me, in the mirror. Something drew me to what was staring back at me... sparkling eyes. Like treasure jewels you'd have searched for an entire lifetime. It was peculiar.. the reflection looked similar yet so different. As if the image rotated on a central axis; an actual different being nevertheless with the same core... And so we're connected at the core. Surprises of reflections; I saw myself in him.

i feel my feet soak in clear streaming water
i see dancing white drapes of colour
maybe, just maybe there's more than halfway
maybe, just maybe the moon would shine as bright as day
maybe this time i'd thread through the final quarter
of dream paths i never thought could conquer
maybe life was never meant to be mediocre
oh heart, would you suffuse the exterior
because maybe, just maybe you'd be accepted
in every sense and every part, validated.

Today i put the curtain down, i let the raw show. There was no cardboard that read "Please applaud" or "No egg-throwing". It stung of course; the coarseness of plain air. But it was worth every element of it. It solidified my conquest for living like there's no tomorrow, it upheld the original reason which compelled rawness. Really, if it could banish all reason for tomorrow's regret, i would choose to ache, anytime. Everyday. Life is so short there is no reason not to live on the edge. And that includes the edge of the heart. 

By the way, have you ever felt too blessed to sleep?

Hope is virtually laughing at the days to come..  like what the wife of noble character does in Proverbs 31:25. It was, for me tonight, walking alone in the middle of the road past midnight with a stark nothing but a soothe of breeze to my skin, i look up and there were stars smiling down on me, i soak in the awe - how can tomorrow not be beautiful? Sure i waited long today, surely there are dozens of circumstances to be counted, but there at that instance - how can tomorrow not be promising? The real doesn't matter, tired is far off. Hope is the battling of fear; it is the conquering of dismay. Hope is when you check the mailbox day by day... only to find.. nothing. But as long as the mailbox stands, as long as there are postmen, as long as life and energy run their course, there is absolutely no bona fide reason why tomorrow wouldn't bring the letter. No reason. Hope is knowing love in its truest; soul-altering love. And when you've known beauty of that magnitude, you certainly cannot help but hope.

Whenever things become 'unfair' and everything turns a bizarre blur, all you need strength to do is reach out your hand and search for God's. And when you've found the grip, it'd pull you through the mess, out of the rowdy, flogged street. I guess after every step, it might be vital to look back and think for a moment; did i lose the purpose for which i took this step? 'Cause if i had lost its original intention, then its worthless maybe destructive already.
I remember the rainbow You specially drew for me on the way back to KL from camp. It spoke to me of Promise. A moment ago flipping through some cards i intended to give out, one of them hinted that rainbows implied Hope. There you go.. simply raw, like a wild flower growing fresh on infertile grounds in harsh weather. When you feel like you couldn't possibly have got anything inside anymore to give - that's exactly what hope is.
Hope is not giving up.

Today made history. In the life of me, there isn't a day that comes as close. If not today, what else would make history? The gist is not even the victory of passing MBBS with results i can't be dissatisfied with, the one exam we all felt if we passed we must claim the conquerors title because the odds were against us in assignment marks, tutors knowledge and experience in the syllabus as well as the exam style, exam hints, the stringent marking during exams and of course, having to sit for EVERYTHING in 5 papers in the span of 2 weeks. Rather, its what happened in the insides of me, in one of the long unlocked rooms that shook the world. I had FAITH. I had some faith before the exams, and it built up as i read the Word every morning before exams. Reading Psalms aloud with conviction does evoke some power which gave myself goosebumps. Throughout the 2 weeks it was up and down in continuous cycles. And then i went to camp and received the Word as Pastor Keith from New Creation Church spoke. And then i just stood with my eyes fixed upwards...there and then i was just electrically connected to God... by one wire. and i knew i had it. All He had to do was say the word and its done. Like the centurion who believed that all Jesus had to do was say the word and his daughter would be healed immediately, and they were kilometres away. At that time i knew 100% that God put MBBS in my hands.
To just KNOW -  that to me is my mind-blowing mysterious inconceivable marker of history.



Today too, i radically penned down all the heart thoughts of the last 2 years..
i'll stop running away.. i'll risk my pride, i'll ask with faith. Cos i'm the princess child of God who's sooo loved all the sunsets in the world would fail to express how much her Daddy loves her. and would give her.. the BEST.
The prelude: 'if i didn't have to yearn i wouldn't have known how much i really longed for u'.

10th August 08
Its about the process. Moses proclaimed himself as the deliverer of Israel even before God called him. But God had to put him through a process of 40 years in the desert, for him to grow in God and to be ready for the big purpose he was destined to fulfill. I feel that God means this period of time in my life as a process, to get me ready although I'm so impatient and can't wait to live out my potential. Persevere, and it WILL happen.

17th August 08
Don't try and overcome today's troubles with yesterday's glory, cos God wants us to come afresh to Him. Its like newness in marriage, the principle works here too. As i'm waiting for unreciprocated love in my boxed world, God is waiting there for me to reciprocate His love too, in bigger dimensions. God will only bless me with what I can take. Why would He give me that which He knows will draw me away from Him?
Address those hidden problems that seeded my disappointment with God. You gotta address to overcome. In this seasons renewed love, He doesn't want me to go back to my glory days exactly. Walk into the unknown with God.

12 hours. Precisely. In exactly 12 hours my final determining paper for MBBS would be over. It feels... still surreal. I still preferred the notion for time to stop for a while, a few months maybe, just 'cause its too fast for even this an impatient person. But just as i want time to stroll i can barely hold my breath any longer. The last few months had flashed in a blur zombie fashion, the only emotion i remember treating myself to was fear. I even ran to Spore to be with the comfort of family... something which is surprisingly radical for me, in the other, home-y, timid direction. Yet every minute was dragged with toil, every hour needing a muster of strength for the next. I tell myself 'no, i can't take this anymore'... A phrase once scorned for its negativity and weakness. And then a few hours later i'm on top of the world... 'i look on my enemies in triumph'.. and the cycle repeats itself a couple of times throughout the day,..  the complex perseveringly unendingly for a month and a half.
So this is the night before... VIA. After this moment there wouldn't be another pre-graduation exam of this standard, this importance, this scrutiny, this trailblazing exploit. The test which would prove the total faithfulness of the Father... and the glory of real.. because it just wouldn't be possible, without Jesus.

'The practice of medicine is an art, not a trade; a calling, not a business; a calling in which your heart will be exercised equally with your head. Often the best part of your work will have nothing to do with potions and powders, but with the exercise of an influence of the strong upon the weak, of the righteous upon the wicked, of the wise upon the foolish.'
                                           ~Sir William Osler

What's been passing through my subconscious every other half an hour for the past 24 hours is if you're okay. Guess i really really want you to be well and healthy... gues cause i know you hate being sick. Is it that subconscious after all?

Its amazing how just one smile can be so ardent, so fiercely powerful. One direct, sincere, split-of-a-second smile.

It was 11am. Paul had given us a nice teaching session, topped up with zeal and a teacher's devotion. He expects at least a few case presentations for the afternoon, for the last 2 weeks he's been expecting. So far, noone had a definitive preparation. How could we let him down?  So i strode to the computers and started my powerpoint presentation on Isabelle, my adorable 4 year old patient. Not sure, very hungry, jittery and listless. After two hours it was as if every minute was a battle. My vision started blurring and my wrist lost fine mouse control. At exactly 2.28pm the battle ended. I dashed to the 2.30pm class in time for a box of Milo drink from my partner-saviour. Not sure, simply obedient, willing to be diced. After Fadli and Navena presented, i used up the remaining cube of glucose in my vessels, stood up, did not faint and got it done.
How it happened i'm not detailedly sure. What happened i can't describe with precision. But it felt good. It was done. It felt soooooo good.

So Navena and I spontaneously drove to Giant Pelangi to catch a movie. There were only two options at 5.15pm: Babylon or Death Race. Hmmm.. we chatted with the ticket girl... and she said Death Race was 'best sangat'. haha.. Okay, we took the bet. Two hypoglycaemic zombie girls wanting to celebrate the 'suffering' of the case prep. We ended up catching two movies. Solely because of Navena's very scarce, atypical burst of craziness. We walked out, passed the ticket booth, and i heard, "So now what? Catch another movie?" Hmm...guess i must have been quite shocked. Started sneezing for the next five minutes. haha.. so we watched Zohan.. it was .. sigh, like the food i ate for dinner: McChicken meal followed shortly by two herbal eggs. Yeah, it was a squirmy mix.
Hehe. By d way, Death Race was totally awesome: the clever lines, the film language, the slightly-twisted plot, the coolness of the car features, the iron cold picture with a warm undercurrent,.. but mainly the lines. Like, "Out. Sorry." Before Case ejects her seat and the car explodes.

We were driving back when she spotted a huge crawly creature on my car... Note: i was driving. i screamt. She was scared that i'll panic. We reassured ourselves it was outside the car. It had this huge white round body, like it was stuck to a Mentos and the mentos was stuck to my car. We reached the clinical school. Counted 1,2,3. She got out. Located it on the roof above my seat.  I climbed over. Got out. Then it just moved really quickly underneath my car. Uggghhh... The guard brought a torch light. ahha. Nothing worked. We took a picture to remember the day.

So beat... it was a very madcap day.

look over the hedge. my, my. look at the limousines. black, sleek, long, carefree, poised, advantaged.
i look down at my sandals. they are ragged, brown with stains of unavoidable mud puddles, worn out. and yet everyday i pray they won't wear out; completely that is.

me no. 2 says: not even praying for a trishaw or a bike, or even for new shoes... but for the same ones you've been wearing since day one?! wont that be crawling on all fours when you can walk?

hey, i'm a devout believer of maximising everything i have n not losing things to forgranted-ness if there's such a word. how can i live with myself if i lose someone dear tmr after taking him/her forgranted today?

me no 2: sure sure.. if u're a firm believer of livin life to d fullest then why are u living in fearful grasp.. of the goodness that u've been blessed with so far... HALFway? there's more to come.. why settle for second best when u can be riding through earth's journey in a limo.. with a roofless top, so showers of blessing would fall season after season.. with d wind blowing at you, behind you, whichever you want..and the smell of flowers in the fresh..  so let go of those sandals.. open up that reflex palmar grasp, and start looking forward to limo's..

but..but...what..what if half way there i lose them? people i love so much.. dreams.. home... what if i cant go on?

me no. 2: that's the thing, my dear. Remember what Dr Siva said? "Carissa, we're not here to penalise you." besides, a limo has wheels.. your feet aren't gonna be on the ground no more... those shoes stay in the limo.. driven through directed paths, planned paths... i saw a glimpse of what Max Lucado said in He Still Moves Stones: most people ask for good health, non-bankruptcy, grant requests from our perspective but to God its like taking the moped when he offers the limousine.
All it takes for you to have your Canaan land is to believe in the fact that you are loved unimaginably by your Father... that, is faith.

All the things that ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of [heaven] - tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear... If i find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world... Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing.
~ C.S. Lewis

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.
~ Jim Elliot

today i felt a loveburst. Max Lucado says there are sunbursts, starbursts, powerbursts.. and lovebursts. hehe. he was writing about it, and i was feeling it right there... it was the crippled man who persuaded his good friends to intrude into a huge social event, through the roof. it was antisocial. he could have lost everything...including his scarce friends. and if it failed,..or if he fell, how would he mend four dangling ornamental limbs and a broken heart? but he did it anyway. my contemplations are way far smaller. oh, it feels absurd. but then in the essence of my loveburst was a picture of a net; it had a handle for someone to hold. It was sieve-shaped. very secure. and He said to me, go on... live the risks you wanna live. cause if it backfires and a massive force blows you backwards, the net... is there. i will catch you.

isn't that just the whole point?? ... u wanna be a better person,.. build a better character.. glorify.. reach out...so then live so u can live with yourself.
the most alive element of being human is the heart. and the heart itself is wicked. weak. fragile. scary. how do i live with myself for... say...50 more years?
there's so much i wanna do.. all the mountain tops i wanna experience... all the dreams i can already grasp a glimpse of their ecstasy. but can i survive through with this heart of mine? i'm already scared, of it. sometimes i get shudders, just thinking of another slash.
and it reflects in how i be.. the way i walk. is it me or does the catwalk look like a tortoise's path? the former is a straight smooth no-stop glide.. u reach the end with your eyes level. the latter gives u time to look around, make sure, stop halfway. but yes, even when there are no more claps from the one pair of hands so highly esteemed, will the show still find the purpose to go on?  u can't live with yourself if you choose to give up....can u?

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. — Carrie (sex and the city)

can't believe it ended in one hour and ten minutes. its amusing how the sound system could work perfectly well for the last 50 hours and spontaneously spoils 2 minutes before the presentation. before that day i had been warned 3 times by Dr Leong to make sure we start at 5 and end in one hour, the most is an additional 10 minutes. so for the first 15 minutes as i was standing at the pulpit or our 'news studio', my eyes kept focusing on her face.. thinking...Oh man..... this is dooms day. so..we started.. i gave the introduction news.. nothing like what i had practised.. ahha. instead of the bold, clear, interesting news presenter voice, i heard mouse-like, soft, expressionless squeaks. and then munis and my plan to do the director's 3-2-1 thing didn't happen.. i guess mainly cos anwar n ramli weren't around..n we couldn borrow d real deal camera.. suddenly it was my turn to present on Orang Asli .. i had a mental block..think i must have been speaking in slow motion..aaha..still cant believe there was no mic..ahha... ..so many plans uncarried out..but then oh well,. what the audience doesn't know won't be noticed.. and though i was bein thoroughly amused at how things were not going as planned more than 50% of the time... the audience seemed entertained and engaged... and then seeing Dr Leong's smile of satisfaction.. made it all worth it. the palpitations exacerbated by not even coffee but teh ais!?!? and the real lack of sleep... and the anxiety... and the foregoing of carelessness.

so here we go...:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-72vIiw-2U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiQXC-es2w8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N52PqVH6yBc

remember we always wanted to have memories in med school...guess this is one of them...so happy Munis recorded it.. i already watched d video several times, and still giggle continuously.


really, life is too short to not live happily. to not realise that happiness is right there, around you. its only all up to you to grasp it...its right there, so near.

i was watching the last episode of The Hospital today.. the female-lead left everything she had, her position as director of the anaesthetic department of the largest teaching hospital,  the man who loved her more than life itself.. to serve a rural community on the outskirt mountains.. gettin paid in cabbages. well of cos, since its a story, she met a man drivin these village kids to his small clinic... and he turned out to be a doctor devoted to helpin the people full time. so they settled. apparently there's this huge rock on the peak of that mountain in Taiwan that's said that if you sit on it, look at the grand mountains all around.... the valleys... the sun shades... absorb the beauty, smell the air.. and think... then you'll realise what exactly your life dream is.
what is my life dream?

'Forbid it, Lord, that our roots become too firmly attached to this earth, that we should fall in love with things. Help us to understand that the pilgrimage of this life is but an introduction, a preface, a training school for what is to come.  Then shall we see all of life in its true perspective. Then shall we not fall in love with the things of time, but come to love the things that endure.'

~Peter Marshall's prayer in A Woman's Journey to the Heart of God

Everything else does not matter. All that matters is the extent to which I praise You. The mode that is required to be sustained is that of the readiness to obey. So the focus of daily living, of every second, is the character adopted at that moment; not my pleasure or the fulfillment of my humanly desires. After all, life here on earth was never meant to be fun, and full of fluffy pillows anyway. Its not home yet. This is like the challenge I must go through, the obstacle course, the battle I must fight to reach home. And that home keeps winking at my heart, drawing a fine, invisible but unbroken thread that ties my inmost to heaven. That everyday, even as I’m living here on earth, I long for heaven – my real home. Only there will I feel fulfilled completely, where I can be the real me without a risk of rejection. There will be no chance for tears and dissatisfaction. I’m 22. If I’d die of old age, it seems like a long long way ahead. But that’s only fiction. Truth is every single day is too short. Too little time to give God glory. I need all the time I can to glorify the One who is worthy, to deserve the love He lavished on me.

you have no idea.

how come the dream felt so real? i bet i was smiling in my sleep.
two letters. surprise. bag of clothes. proposal. assumed agreement. smiles.

its season change, for the better...and harder. work. dedication. individual.

wish i could hear your opinions on my life events.
why do i care what you think?

wise, wise revelation? --> unconditional love makes all things work.

the depressed patient's husband looked like u.

is it true the intuitive feelings that you're proud of me?

such a loser. losing good things without trying first.

is it true that opposites attracts?

i'm so freakin' chicken man.

and so freakin' confusing - so cool, yet so warm.

i'm so hungry. but then i don't wanna drive out to get food. been drivin quite long today soaking wet from the rain to get my new license done.

losing weight... oh no or oh yes? but there is a fear that i might break. hehe. *crack*

miss watching football...and ronaldinho...miss subang..miss Steven's corner.

but apart from that it's pretty okay here.

'I admit I once lived by rumors of you;
   now I have it all firsthand - from my own eyes and ears!
I'm sorry - forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise!
   I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor.'
                                                                     ~ Job 42:5-6
 
How did Job write all that... after God sent all those calamities n totally wrecked his earthly life?!

Francis de Sales says:
' Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Rather look at them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hitherto; do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand, He will bear you in his arms... Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.'